In my last post, I didn’t talk about Ebola. This is primarily because the Ebola virus plushy toy is nowhere near as cute as, say, Chlamydia or Herpes:

Chlamydia!

Herpes!

I mean, seriously…the Ebola virus just looks like an earthworm of some sort. But despite its unfortunate lack of cute, Ebola is a big deal. A really big deal. In this post, I’ll tell you what the big deal is, and why you just might have to start worrying about it.

First of all, the real Ebola virus is just as unimpressive-looking as the toy:

The reason Ebola is a big deal right now is that there’s been a recent outbreak of it in Western Uganda. And some of you might be all like, “That’s sad and everything, but I definitely don’t live anywhere close to Western Uganda.” And while that may be true, you should be aware that an Ebola-infected prisoner from Uganda has escaped…and no one knows where he is.

Ebola is highly infectious and contagious, so you should really be concerned if this man goes…well, anywhere, really. Europe, Australia, Peru, your backyard…an Ebola outbreak that isn’t properly contained has the potential to turn into a global epidemic.

Everyone would be wearing these super unfashionable hazmat suits.

The symptoms of Ebola are pretty nasty, so you should stay away from people with the following disturbing side effects (and make sure you don’t have them yourself):

• bloody diarrhea
• vomiting
• seizures
• bleeding from the eyes and mouth (and other mucous membranes)
• and more.

I have to imagine you would keep your distance from a person with these issues anyway, and that you’d get yourself to a doctor if you were experiencing them. The virus can spread through contact with bodily fluids, and there is no cure or vaccine for it.

That’s right, this thing is ugly. Sixty-eight percent of the infected die, and all doctors can really do is try to keep you hydrated as you bloody diarrhea yourself to death. Ignore the fact that “diarrhea” isn’t a verb.

Ebola is so bad, it’s made its way into multiple major motion pictures. Remember Osmosis Jones? That’s okay, no one really does.

The man himself.

Voiced by Chris Rock, Osmosis is an anthropomorphic white blood cell who’s trying to kill a virus that’s trying to kill Bill Murray. Okay. Now that you’ve taken all of that in, add the fact that the evil virus is named Thrax and looks like this:

Kind of bad-ass, actually.

Alright, the point of all this is that, even though Thrax can be quoted as saying “Ebola is a case of DANDRUFF compared to me!” Thrax is just some completely made-up guy with a long claw finger that sets cells on fire. There is no possible way for him to be worse than Ebola. That’s my take, anyway.

More on Ebola in movies: Have you heard of Outbreak? This is one you should actually watch — the cast includes Dustin Hoffman, Morgan Freeman, Cuba Gooding, Jr., and Kevin Spacey…wow. Well, in this movie, a fictional version of Ebola takes hold in Zaire, and all these actors try to do something about it. Random fact: A real outbreak of Ebola struck Zaire just a few months after the movie came out.

Point is, Ebola is featured as the biggest, baddest virus out there, and with good reason (refer to symptoms listed above). The outbreak in Uganda is a serious issue, drawing local, national, an international responses. Even if the outbreak doesn’t end up affecting you directly, and of course I hope it doesn’t, keep your eyes and ears on the situation in Uganda. Because even though you could say, “it’s not affecting me,” we all can and should show compassion for those suffering from a disease that causes this much misery, and in a community that doesn’t enjoy the medical facilities that we may have.

Stay strong, Uganda.

Kinsman J (2012). “A time of fear”: local, national, and international responses to a large Ebola outbreak in Uganda. Globalization and health, 8 (1) PMID: 22695277

Aren’t they the cutest?

So, if you’re STD savvy, you might have realized that all of the plush toys above are named after venereal diseases. These adorable little guys are the Venereals. I want to reiterate that these are cuddly toys that look like the actual infectious agents that give you these diseases. A little weird, maybe? Yes.

But I own them all. Can you imagine a better conversation starter? (“Oh that’s cute, what is that little star-shaped toy?” …”Herpes.” ). If you’ve ever wanted nerdy street cred, now is your chance. Just click the link for Venereals and these nasty little cuties can be all yours. Now let me explain myself….

1. Take pox for example. Pox also goes by the name syphilis, which you’ve probably heard of. Technically, the bacterium is called Treponema pallidum, but that’s not so catchy. But the plush toy for syphilis looks surprisingly similar to the actual bacterium:So these toys are the real deal. You could even call them learning tools, but something tells me that these should only belong to high school-aged and older individuals, despite how much a 5-year-old would want to cuddle them.

As cute as plushie syphilis is, you don’t want to get syphilis. You really don’t.

Syphilis gives you very un-sexy ulcers and a crazy amount of nodules all over the body:

Yup, definitely not cute. So have fun cuddling your syphilis plushie, but don’t actually, you know, come in contact with syphilis.

Luckily, if you’ve had syphilis for less than a year, penicillin should cure you right up. But, again, my advice is to avoid syphilis at all costs. And if you do end up with it, don’t spread it around.

2. Herpes is way too cute not to talk about. Look at this little guy:

Okay, so the actual herpes virus on the right isn’t nearly as lovable as the star-shaped, innocent-eyed, fluffy herpes on the left…. And many of us know what herpes looks like on someone’s face:

Ouch. Not a good look. And I’m betting it’s painful, too. Quite sadly, there isn’t actually a therapy to remove the herpes virus from the body. The best you can hope for are antiviral medications to reduce the frequency and severity of outbreaks for the rest of your life.

But again, the toy is too cute. And that’s what really matters.

3. Finally, it would be unforgivable if I didn’t feature chlamydia. LOOK at this face!

Despite the terrible letdown of the actual chlamydia bacterium’s appearance, the guys who designed this plushie toy deserve a lot of kudos. Look closely at the soft chlamydia. Look into its eyes. Those hopeful eyes that say, “I want to be your friend! Please be my loving friend.” And that hair! Timeless.

Oh yeah, but um, you don’t actually want to get chlamydia either. To my guy readers: you don’t want to have burning pee or unusual discharge from your penis or tender testicles. If chlamydia really takes hold in your testes, you can become sterile. I wouldn’t wish these things on my worst enemy.

And ladies: chlamydia likes to set up shop in your cervix, which can lead to pelvic inflammatory disease, which can cause difficulty with getting pregnant. And your pee will burn too. So chlamydia is an all-around bad time for everybody. Take heart though: chlamydia can effectively be cured with antibiotics.

You still shouldn’t go getting it though. What you should get is the adorably cute cuddly Chlamydia doll. It’s a tough choice between chlamydia and Herpes though…so that’s why I got ALL the Venereals! They keep each other company, and I love each of them in my own little way.

I’m the talk of all my friends, and you can be too. Just imagine all the nerdy hipster points this will get you! Now get those Venereals! But not the diseases. In all seriousness, men and women should carry condoms.

Stay nerdy and safe!

P.S. If you’re a bit weirded out about cute STDs, or you don’t feel comfortable getting those for children, check out Black Death, E. coli, Common Cold, and other wonderful, cuddly microbes!

Thank me later.

Janier M, Libar E, Bonnet A, Meunier P, Tabet M, Mathourais M, Paterour C, & Porcher R (2012). Treatment of late syphilis with 2.4 million units benzathine penicillin G (BPG): tolerance of single versus divided doses. Sexually transmitted diseases, 39 (5), 359-60 PMID: 22504599

De Clercq E (2012). Human viral diseases: what is next for antiviral drug discovery? Current opinion in virology PMID: 22846888